Can’t Do or Won’t Do?

I raise this with my clients when they start talking about the performance of their team.  The irony is that in the past week, I had to ask this question of myself.

The framework is simple: Can’t Do means there is a skills gap – training solves it. Won’t Do means there is a willingness gap – an attitude issue that requires getting uncomfortable enough to change.

My coach asked why I wasn’t asking clients for referrals. I fumbled through some explanation about feeling uncomfortable, not having the right words, needing a better script.

She stayed silent…and then it hit me.

I was treating myself like a Can’t Do when I was a Won’t Do.  I did not need better words. I needed to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

The next day, I finished a coaching conversation with a client.  Even though my heart was pounding furiously, I asked:

“Do you know anyone who might benefit from the kind of work we’ve been doing?”

She thought for a moment.  “Absolutely. Two people come to mind.”

Relief flooded through me. And then – almost immediately – I did what I always do.

I started questioning whether those people would be open to change. I planted doubt about whether these were good referrals. I was pre-screening people I had not even met yet.

Classic self-sabotage.  I had jumped off the cliff, and was already trying to build a safety net on the way down.

I reached out to my client the next day and asked her to just make the introduction – I would take it from there.

Here’s what I learned: My clients want to help.  They will refer people.  I must trust their judgment and take responsibility for what comes next.

The Won’t Do gap is not fixed by finding better tactics or perfect scripts. It is fixed by doing the uncomfortable thing, fumbling through it, and doing it again anyway.

Turns out I am not immune to my own advice.